He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
