Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
