her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
