I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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