dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
