you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Verdict: uncircumcised.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
