Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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