I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
