one two three fourrrrnication!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
