I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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