Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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