i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
