Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Semen is not good for contacts.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
