how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
