I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You've changed since you got that strap on
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize