For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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