A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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