You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
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He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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