just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
