So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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