I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
