He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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