just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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