I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize