i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.