She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
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Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?