Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.