So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
