i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
how does that bad decision feel?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
