12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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