If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?