I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
