is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
