I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I AM VODKA MAN
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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