$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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