I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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