i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
