i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
