I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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