he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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