i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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