I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Randomize
