Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
