i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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