he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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