Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
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I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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