I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
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And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
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Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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