I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
