Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
