wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
