The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.