When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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