does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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