I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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